


And If You're Still Breathing

by erisgregory, oitooru



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Angst, Future Fic, Happy Ending, Hinata fights zombies, In The Flesh AU, Kageyama is a zombie, M/M, Zombies, you can see how this would be a problem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-12 01:26:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7914976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erisgregory/pseuds/erisgregory, https://archiveofourown.org/users/oitooru/pseuds/oitooru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama Tobio, once a zombie and one of thousands of individuals affected by Partially Deceased Syndrome (PDS), arrives back in Tokyo to an assigned apartment because his family refuses to take him in. He’s been subjected to months of rehabilitation and medication by a government that has set an agenda of acceptance and tolerance. However, a cauldron of brutal anti-zombie sentiment exists and is gathering support. </p><p>Hinata Shouyou is relieved the fighting is mostly over. He was never fully comfortable killing the zombies, though he’s not convinced the PDS sufferers are safe. Hinata has vowed to keep his zone safe, even as these so called rehabilitated zombies are seeded all over the city. </p><p>It’s been years since they’ve seen one another, so neither of them quite know what to do when they find themselves living across the hall from each other. Is this new world big enough for both of them or will the past repeat itself leaving them on opposite sides once more?</p>
            </blockquote>





	And If You're Still Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> title from [Youth by Daughter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QT5eGHCJdE)  
> playlist [HERE](http://8tracks.com/erisgregory/and-if-you-re-still-breathing)

The discharge line moved slower than any other line Kageyama had stood in since coming to the treatment facility. Slower than the shower line, slower than the counseling line, slower even than the med line which was saying something. It moved at a crawl and during that time, hours, Kageyama began to honestly panic about leaving.

For the past six months the hospital, or treatment facility as the doctors preferred, had been a sort of home to him. It wasn’t comfortable or welcoming in any way, but there was routine here, and he could fade into the masses around him without judgement. Here he wasn’t Kageyama Tobio who’d died. He wasn’t even Kageyama who’d risen to mete out unspeakable horrors, though that part of him never left him no matter how hard he tried to let it go. Here he was just Kageyama, one of many nodding his head, moving from line to line, and best of all not having to think about anything at all. Thanks to the medication, thinking also meant remembering now that his mind had been mostly healed. Remembering was just too hard.

Now he was being discharged and he didn’t have a real home to go to. Or more accurately he wasn’t welcome at his real home, so he was being transferred to an apartment building in Tokyo where he’d be introduced back into society with several others being released over the next few months. It was too much pressure. Kageyama had no idea how to be a person again and the fact that he had no choice terrified him.

“Hey. Kageyama, right?” A voice behind him whispered. He was almost to the front of the line.

Kageyama turned to see the man behind him leaning in. He was sure the man hadn’t been the one behind him this whole time, but gave a nod of his head anyway.

“Take this.” He slipped a little card into Kageyama’s hand and then slid out of the line like he’d never been there at all. 

A quick glance around showed him that no one had noticed anything out of the ordinary so he looked down at the card in his hand.

It was a website. Nothing else was printed on either side.

www.theprophet.co.jp

The woman in front of him was called to the table. He was almost there. Kageyama slipped the card into his pocket and went right back to worrying about life outside the sterile white walls of the hospital again.

“Next.”

This first table was small and held three boxes. “Blue, brown, or green?” The volunteer asked him, indicating the choices before him.

“Blue.” He decided. There was no way these contacts could mimic the navy blue of his eyes before he passed away, but they would cover the white and red mess of the eyes he’d been left with. The eyes were what made people the most uncomfortable, he’d been told. Therefore the contacts would help him blend in.

The next little metal table had the cosmetics meant to cover the deathly wash of his skin. He was asked to sit and endure several shades being tested on his cheek before the volunteer was satisfied and passed him a container of fairly light no.1 foundation. He understood the principles behind the contacts and the makeup, but actually donning them was having a confusing effect on him. 

The line moved forward again and Kageyama was handed a duffle bag of donor clothes in his size. No more scrubs, which was nice in an abstract way, but Kageyama wasn’t sure what it would be like to begin his new life in a stranger’s clothes.

After all of that it was one last meeting with the counselor and the nurse to administer his last dose of meds until he got to the apartments.

“Tobio, have a seat, please.”

The cubicle was walled in by blue fabric on metal frames, one of dozens setup in the long room they’d rearranged for this day. It smelled like antiseptic here, which was the first comforting thing about the whole day. Was it possible he was really going to miss this hell hole?

He sat and the nurse moved behind him, pulling down the neck of his shirt in the back. “Bend forward, please.” She requested. He did so. The pain was more in his head than anything else. He didn’t actually feel it, so he was used to it by now. The injection took only a moment and then the nurse was moving away from him. She handed him a pamphlet.

“Your injections will be given by a local volunteer from now on. He’ll be there to greet you when you get to your assigned housing. He reports directly to us, so be sure you don’t miss a dose, alright?”

Kageyama took a deep breath and let it right back out. “Yes.” He agreed softly.

“Good, now, let’s talk about life on the outside. How are you feeling about leaving?” The nurse slipped out and Kageyama met the eyes of his counselor across the folding table. He was an older man. Gray haired and crinkle eyed. Kageyama had been wary of him in the beginning, but now he was the only one that knew how terrified Kageyama was to join the world outside again or how he felt about losing the support of his family.

“I don’t think I’m ready.” He answered honestly.

“And why is that? Your chart says you physically pass all the tests and you’ve been in therapy with me for over a year. Some would say you were ready six months ago, but we kept you because we want you to feel good about this change.”

“I keep having flashbacks. To the time before.” Kageyama spoke in halting starts and stops. He didn’t want to talk about the flashbacks, but what if it was a sign he would be a danger to the people around him? He didn’t want that.

“Tobio. That’s a good sign! Your brain is finally healing. That means your memories will come back and while I know it can be frightening to remember the things you did before you came here, you have to remind yourself that that wasn’t really you. You are not capable of those kinds of things any more.”

“But some of the flashbacks are really vivid. I don’t think I’m the kind of person who should live around other people.” He hated being afraid, but more than that he hated what he’d done.

The counselor sighed, then leaned forward across the plastic table. “Say it. Say it right now. And believe it.”

Kageyama shook his head.

“Do it, Tobio.”

“I am a partially deceased syndrome sufferer.” Kageyama was looking at his hands, wringing together in his lap.

“And?” his counselor prompted.

“And what I did in my untreated state was not my fault.” He finished.

“Good. Keep saying that every day and know it’s true. You’re ready. We all believe in you.”

Kageyama had nothing to say after that. He didn’t believe it, how could he? He was a monster, the treatment may tame him but it would never change the fact that he’d killed innocent people.

******

“Yes, sir. I’ll make a report tonight about our newcomers.” Hinata hung up the phone and tossed it onto the table. He wasn’t looking forward to having the influx of PDS homeless in his apartment building, but it wasn’t up to him. 

There had been a rush of them in the surrounding areas about six months ago, but his building had been reserved for those who wouldn’t be out of therapy for a while. What that meant to him was that not only would the building be full of the risen, but that they’d all be on the verge of breaking.

******

Kageyama took a shaky breath and looked up at the apartment building. It was old, and showed some wear and tear from what was most definitely the rising, but it was in good shape. He pushed open the door and was met by the sight of a familiar face speaking to a group of people by an empty security booth.

“Now, if you go upstairs to the fourth floor, he’ll give you your keys. Remember, only take the one assigned to you!” Kageyama could almost cry at the safe feeling that came with seeing Sugawara in such an unforgiving setting. 

“Suga,” he called meekly. 

When Sugawara met Kageyama’s eyes, he didn’t smile. Instead, he had a grim look on his face.

“Kageyama,” he said with an unreadable tone, “We need to talk.”

“Oh, okay.”

Sugawara sat on the bench against the back wall and gestured for Kageyama to join him.

“I’m sure this is a difficult time for you, so I wanted to get this out of the way as quickly as possible.” Sugawara’s voice was grim and left Kageyama with a twisting anxious feeling. He waited, taking a breath and holding it without realizing it.

“Hinata is here. I haven’t had time to tell him you’re coming because I got the list of newcomers right before you got here. You should know, none of us knew. About you.” Here Sugawara’s voice trembled. He smiled sadly and Kageyama understood. His parents hadn’t contacted any of his old friends when he’d died.

Kageyama opened his mouth to speak but Sugawara stopped him.

“One more thing. Hinata’s been working with the Human Volunteer Force, so I don’t know how he’s going to react to you.” Sugawara frowned then as Kageyama let that sink in.

He didn’t know much about the Human Volunteer Force except that they were the ones that got organized to fight the risen when the military was too overwhelmed to keep everyone safe. That meant Hinata had fought risen. Like Kageyama.

“Thank you.” Kageyama gritted out. He was thankful for the heads up, but he had no way of knowing what to do with that information.

“Alright. So, all of that aside, I’m on the same floor as you and I’ll be your nurse advisor. I’ll give you your shots every day, we can pick a time for that later, but it needs to be the same time every day, and if you need anything, anything at all Kageyama, come find me, alright?” 

Kageyama nodded mutely.

“Now then, I’ll take you to your apartment and let you get settled.” Sugawara stood as he spoke.

The apartment was a little one bedroom box. It’s only redeeming quality was the tiny balcony that looked out over the city. Sugawara left him with his keys and about a million thoughts he didn’t know how to voice. He tossed his bag onto the chair in the bedroom and flopped back onto the twin bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

Kageyama hadn’t seen Hinata since high school. Not since the Spring Nationals where they came in second. It was a crushing defeat that tore the team apart. It didn’t help that they were losing their third years, but Kageyama was scouted also by Shiratorizawa. After fighting with Hinata and losing at Nationals Kageyama was ready for a change. So he left. It was a decision that he’d regretted for a long time. He could still feel the shame of that final fight.

_ “So that’s it then? You’re just done with us. You’re done with me?” Hinata’s fists were clenched by his sides. _

_ “It’s not like that! I just have to go where I can be the best and I don’t seem to be getting there here. I’m stuck. I need the change. It doesn’t have anything to do with you!” Kageyama was quickly spiralling out of control. He couldn’t do this any more, couldn’t Hinata see that? _

_ “You’re a liar, you know that? This has everything to do with me, but you’re too much of a coward to say it!” Hinata shoved him right in the chest where he already hurt the most. _

_ “I can’t get better here. That’s all.” Kageyama swore. It was a lie though, in a very fundamental way, but at the time he’d convinced himself that it was true. It was only later that he’d realized he really was running from Hinata and for his feelings for him. _

_ “I knew you were going to do this. I knew when you went off to that camp.” Suddenly Hinata deflated and stepped back. _

_ “You were such an asshole about it, like you had to hurt me. You couldn’t just go, you had to rub it in. Maybe you should ask yourself why you’re here doing it again. Just go, Kageyama. We obviously don’t have anything else to say to each other.” Hinata’s bottom lip trembled and right before he turned to run away Kageyama could see that he was crying. Then he was gone and Kageyama was the bastard that didn’t run after him. _

He’d only tried to reach out to Hinata once, by email and he’d never received a response. Even after he made peace with how he really felt, he couldn’t bring himself to just pick up the phone. Eventually he’d drifted away from all of his old teammates and volleyball became his life. After high school he moved to Tokyo to attend university, but it was short lived. Kageyama only had flashes of the accident. Images that moved in fragmented slow motion. His life was cut short by a train wreck and his friends, those that had once meant the world to him, had never even known he was gone. How was he supposed to face Hinata now?

****

The next morning, after staring at the ceiling for an hour, Kageyama decided to unpack his meager belongings and then go get a feel for the surrounding area. Find the laundromat. Maybe ask Sugawara if he wanted to come by later. Anything to break up the monotony. He was so used to being surrounded by people that he’d been sure the quiet and the space would be welcome, but it was the opposite. He hated the silence.

It took a little practice to get the makeup right. It felt heavy and weird on his skin, but Kageyama couldn’t deny that he looked a little less dead staring back from his reflection in the mirror. The contacts were difficult to place as well, but after a few tries he got them settled into place. Then he dressed and headed out, determined not to think about the implications of having to hide who he was just to get by in the world.

Kageyama locked his door then turned around, trying to decide if it was too early to bother Sugawara. He didn’t have time to think about that, though, because he’d come face to face with Hinata who promptly dropped the bag he was carrying and was standing there with his mouth hanging open in shock.

Then he scrambled to pick his bag up and pulled out his keys to unlock the door across the hall from Kageyama.

“Wait, Hinata!” Kageyama tried, but Hinata disappeared into his apartment and slammed the door before Kageyama could finish. Clearly Sugawara still hadn’t spoken to him.

Kageyama stood in the hallway, surprise and hurt warring in him until he decided to go back to his apartment.

Before he could even get the door locked from the inside locked again, he fighting back tears. It was unexpected and painful. He ran to his bedroom and slammed the door before flinging himself into bed and burying his face in his pillow. He didn’t cry, just pressed himself down hard, trying to blot out the world. Distantly he knew he was ruining the makeup, but it didn’t matter. He had no intention of leaving again, at least not today.

Hinata was older than the memory Kageyama had of him. He was older and he looked, wiser maybe. He was a little taller too. He looked so vibrant standing there in the hallway, so real and alive and Kageyama was just a dead shell of the boy he used to be. What had Hinata seen when he looked at him? A zombie? A monster? Kageyama couldn’t blame him. He already felt the exact same way.

He couldn’t help see the accident then, the thing that had ruined everything. There was a sound first, before anything else. A high squealing that caused everyone to panic, then the train began to lurch and Kageyama remembered the fear he felt. Whatever was happening was completely out of his control, but he didn’t have to be afraid for long. After that it was just flashes. The woman across from him dropped her purse and he watched it fall through the air as the train rolled. The window busted, everything felt suspended, hanging in the air before his eyes, then there was nothing. 

****

After at least an hour of laying in his bed, Kageyama pulled himself up to go and redo his makeup before Sugawara arrived to give him his shot.

He wanted to be alone but he couldn’t skip the visit. As he applied the concealer, he thought back to the look Hinata had given him. He clenched his fists and leaned up against the counter, tears threatening to fall once more.

Once he finally finished his makeup, he went and sat on his bed. The doorbell rang after an indefinite amount of time and he got up to answer it.

Predictably, it was Sugawara.

“You ready?” He asked Kageyama with a half smile.

“Yeah,” Kageyama exhaled. He lead Sugawara inside and sat in one of the chairs that had been inside when he arrived. 

As Sugawara prepared the medicine, a question popped into Kageyama’s mind.

“How many people do you do this for?”

“I’m assigned to this building, so all the PDS sufferers here,” Sugawara replied as he put a hand on Kageyama’s shoulder. “Okay, it’s ready.”

“Go ahead,” Kageyama said. Sugawara was faster than the nurses at the hospital, it was done before he knew it.

Before Sugawara pulled away, he hesitated, not letting go of the collar of Kageyama’s shirt. At first, Kageyama was confused, but then he remembered the scar underneath the back of his neck. He almost stood up, but Sugawara pulled his shirt back up.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Sugawara whispered. Kageyama let his shoulders slump and he leaned back against the chair. “You don’t have to keep it to yourself. You can tell me anything, I won’t ever judge you for what happened.”

Kageyama was silent for a moment, but as soon as his resolve melted, he was babbling.

“I hurt so many people, Suga. Oh god, they were afraid and I  _ hurt _ them. It was like I wasn’t even there. I was watching but I had no control or worries. I didn’t even  _ care _ !” He couldn’t stop once he was started, it felt like an eternity before he shut his mouth.

“Kageyama, that wasn’t you. Just because it felt like you doesn’t mean you deserve to beat yourself up about it. You had no control over what happened, we don’t blame you,” Sugawara soothed.

“Hinata doesn’t think that.”

Sugawara went silent for a second.

“Hinata… he’s in a very sensitive situation right now. During the rising, he was pressured into joining the Miyagi Prefecture Protection Service and it changed him. He’s just scared and hurt. You weren’t the only one who had no control over what happened during that time.”

Kageyama held his breath. He hadn’t even thought of what Hinata was feeling other than hatred.

“I still know him well enough to know that he’s hurting. This was the last thing he wanted,” Sugawara said quietly.

That forced Kageyama to remember what they’d had. Kageyama had been too self absorbed at the time to really recognize what he felt for Hinata. He wanted to be so much more than friends, and it had taken so much to become something he really knew about.

If he hadn’t done what he did, this might not be a problem. Maybe he and Hinata would have been more than rivals. Maybe Hinata wouldn’t hate him.

But it probably wouldn’t have saved him.

******

Two days later, and one uncomfortable discussion with Sugawara, and Kageyama was ready to be the bigger person. If he ever got the chance. He couldn’t imagine what Hinata must think, after everything, but he could understand the shock and horror. He still felt it himself. He also saw it on the face of every stranger he passed on the street.

Despite the preparation he was given back at the center, Kageyama found going out to be a lot more dangerous than he was prepared for. People were more than cautious. Some were outright hostile toward him. Sugawara warned him not to be outside after dark and to never go anywhere that wasn’t populated. He didn’t really say why, but he didn’t need to. The threat was hanging there in the air every time Kageyama left his apartment. It made part of him want to curl up and hide away forever, but mostly he just wanted to find a way to live, to whatever insignificant degree he could now.

So he began going on shorter outings. Mapping out the surrounding area, finding the safest places to be and where he needed to avoid. The nearest bar was definitely a no go. The laundromat was okay. The park sadly, was a no. Too many parents there scared of him being near their children. It was eye opening to say the least. Painful too. Even though he wore the disguise, he felt them taking his measure, sizing him up, trying to tell if he was a real person or not.

He was coming back from one of his test walks when he ran into Hinata in the lobby of their building. Kageyama stumbled over the first words out of his mouth, but held his ground. As long as Hinata didn’t run, he could say what he planned to say.

“Hinata… I know this all must be a shock…” He started, but Hinata cut him off.

“Kageyama, stop. Please. I’m sorry about the other day. It won’t happen again.” Hinata held out his hands imploringly.

“Oh. Alright. Then we can be neighbors? You’re not going to ask me to leave?” Kageyama hated how vulnerable he sounded.

“No. I’m not. We can be neighbors. I won’t trouble you if you don’t trouble me.” Hinata made it sound very final. 

“I won’t.” Kageyama promised.

“Fine, then. Let’s leave it at that.” Hinata’s lips pursed.

“Fine.” Kageyama agreed. He felt a lump forming in his throat. Hinata was nervously bouncing on his feet and he could tell he wanted to dash away, so Kageyama let him. His fists were still clenched when he got to his door and he had to unclench them to get the key out.

Neighbors. Not friends. He wasn’t even disappointed, really. Hinata had only confirmed what Kageyama imagined.

******

Inside, Kageyama didn’t bother turning on the light. He sat in front of the laptop, Sugawara’s housewarming gift to him and consequently the only nice thing Kageyama now owned. It was clearly used, but he didn’t mind that. It doubled as a tv and broke the monotony of living alone with nowhere to go and nothing to do.

There was something that was itching in the back of his mind the past couple of days. He tried not to think about it, he tried not to be curious, but now, after seeing the way the public had reacted to him, after seeing the way Hinata reacted to him, Kageyama was giving in to that curiosity. There, under the laptop was a small white card. He’d hidden it there to wait for him, as though part of him always knew he’d eventually take a look.

Kageyama cracked his knuckles before typing in the website. 

www.theprophet.co.jp

At first the screen was black, but then a small enter button appeared in the middle of the screen. Kageyama clicked it and was taken to a video. It was a man in a hoodie, his face obscured. His voice, as it turned out, was also distorted to protect his identity.

“Welcome. If you are seeing this message then you are one of the chosen few. We are the faceless. We are the nameless. We are the shunned. We rose from the grave into a new life and then we had that new life taken from us. Violently taken. Do you remember the day you were brought in? Do you remember the way you were treated? Worse than animals. More like filth. They took your freedom and gave you shackles. You may be sitting there right now wearing their makeup and contacts, ready to abide by their rules, but something inside you feels how wrong it all is. Society will never accept you for who you are. You will always be an outcast. You can choose to stay in their prison of conformity or you can cast off the chains of oppression and join us in a revolution. We who rose from the grave are taking our freedom back. First we have to take back control. The key to that lies in this.”

Here the man pulled out a vial of blue liquid and held it up.

“Blue Oblivion. Everything their drugs have taken from you, Blue Oblivion returns.” He paused and set the vial aside. Kageyama was barely breathing.

“Our army is on the rise. Be ready when you time comes, for we will find you and we will free you.”

The video cut off. There were others, in a list to the side, but Kageyama had seen enough. It scared him and disgusted him, so he shut the laptop and crumpled the little card up. He stood quickly and went to his bedroom, putting distance in between himself and the so called prophet as if the man had been able to see him. Kageyama shuddered slightly and vowed to never look at the website again.

******

Hinata stomped up the stairs to his apartment. He was trying not to think about Kageyama’s expression when they’d run into each other.

He’d looked tired. His face was flat and his eyes showed no light. He was different.

He was not the Kageyama Hinata had known and felt so strongly for, there was no need to get so worked up. This was all going to end when the mission was completed. It would all be over.

Why did that make his heart ache?

Hinata threw open his door and took in the sight of dirty laundry on the chair in the corner of his room. It seemed like a good time to handle it, get Kageyama off his mind. Spend time thinking about the mission and gather his thoughts.

******

That evening, Kageyama ran into Hinata again. It was late, so he wasn’t expecting there to be many people there. He was just stuffing his little load of clothes into the washing machine at the laundromat when Hinata came in carrying two bags. They looked at each other across the room and Hinata appeared to hesitate on the threshold before stepping on in and heading for the washers.

“Hey,” Hinata muttered.

“Hey,” Kageyama returned with some surprise.

“I’m guessing this is just going to keep happening.” Hinata didn’t look up as he spoke, he just went about emptying his bags into several washing machines.

“You’re probably right,” Kageyama said cautiously. He tossed one of the soap pods into his own wash and started the load. There was an older lady on the other side of the place folding her clothes on one of the long thin tables by the dryers, but she wasn’t paying them any attention. 

Kageyama took another peek at Hinata out of the corner of his eye, then awkwardly left him to go sit in one of the cracked plastic chairs by the long stretch of widows at the front of the mat. The city was dark outside, but inside the fluorescent lights shined brightly off every surface.

He was looking at the pattern of the linoleum tiles under his feet when Hinata came to sit next to him. Technically he was one seat away, but it was still closer than Kageyama was expecting.

Kageyama forced himself to look away from the tiles and at Hinata. If he ever wanted anything even resembling what they had before, he needed to make an effort.

“So, uh, how long have you been in Tokyo?” Kageyama asked. It was stilted and meek sounding but it was all he could think of on the fly.

Hinata squeezed his hands together in his lap and gave a slight shrug. “It feels like forever, but I guess it was after the rising.”

Oh. Of course. Kageyama had to go and bring up the one subject he was trying to avoid. He shifted in his seat causing the worn plastic to creak under him. Thankfully Hinata decided to keep talking, otherwise Kageyama wouldn’t have known what to say.

“I stayed home long enough to see that everyone was safe, that you know, my mom and Natsu were going to be okay, but then I just wanted to go where I could help. I’d been a part of the Miyagi Prefecture Protection Force, with Natsu, but once things were under control I felt like I needed to do more. When I heard about Sugawara coming out here, and heard that the Human Volunteer Force was recruiting, I thought maybe that was the best thing for me.” Hinata sighed and leaned back, his face tipped up toward the ceiling.

“And was it?” Kageyama asked quietly.

“Yeah, I think it was. I feel like I’ve done a lot of good here.” Hinata turned to him with a nod.

“Do you talk to anyone else, from Karasuno?” Kageyama found himself asking.

“Sometimes. I mostly kept in touch with Kenma, you remember them from Nekoma?”

Kageyama remembered. “Yeah.”

“And sometimes Yachi calls to check in, but that’s pretty much it.” Hinata pursed his lips. “Sugawara and I are friends, but it’s been hard. He runs the local PDS Support Group and I’ve spent the past year…” Hinata’s voice trailed off and when Kageyama looked at him he could see his face was starting to go red.

“That’s okay,” Kageyama told him, guessing what he’d been about to say. “People needed protecting. That was important. I’m glad they had you looking out for them.” Kageyama told him earnestly.

Hinata smiled weakly.

“I remember what a good teammate you made.” Kageyama continued. “I’m sure that hasn’t changed.”

“You thought I was a good teammate?” Hinata asked.

“Of course. Now, me on the other hand… I don’t think I knew how to be the right kind of support for our team, not until it was too late.” He admitted.

“Wow. I never thought I’d hear you say that,” Hinata teased. There was still some hesitation there, but Kageyama could tell he was trying.

Kageyama huffed a little but then grinned. “I think there was a golden moment, there in the middle of our first year, where everything was starting to fall into place. That’s what I like to remember.”

“There was, wasn’t there?” Hinata agreed. “After you left, things just weren’t the same. “Especially not once the third years left. Ennoshita was a good captain, but I’m still not sure what he was thinking by making Tsukishima captain after him.”

Kageyama hadn’t agreed with that decision either, but it hadn’t mattered since he was barely scraping by on his own team by then. They fell into a little lull then, the sounds of the washers and dryers humming in the air around them. There was a sort of peace to it that Kageyama hadn’t imagined he’d feel sitting next to Hinata.

When he finally spoke it was soft, pitched low. “I didn’t get better, maybe you figured that out already. By the time I graduated, I was really struggling. I managed to get a scholarship, but it was by the skin of my teeth. College was a much different world than high school and on my team I was sitting at the bottom.”

“You didn’t really have a chance to get better then, though, right? I mean, with the, accident, and all.” Hinata’s voice had dropped down to almost a whisper, as though there were someone who might overhear them.

Kageyama shook his head. “And then there was the rising.” He said.

“What was it like? Hinata asked, then his eyes went wide with surprise. “You don’t have to answer that!”

“I don’t mind, so much.” Kageyama assured him. “I don’t remember everything, but I can remember feeling trapped and afraid. I was panicked and everything was dark. Then I was climbing up out of the ground. I remember really dumb details like the early morning light that made everything look gray and washed out, and the mist that sat low to the ground. The grass was wet with dew and the whole world was silent, like it was just about to take a breath. I was alone and confused and everything inside me hurt. I remember looking back at the marker that had my name on it and feeling so shocked. The bell was tolling, too. I remember that and I remember counting and thinking it was five in the morning. After that there’s not much for a while. Mostly just bits and pieces I wish I could forget until I was captured and taken to the center. I hate remembering all the other stuff.”

Hinata was quiet for the moment and Kageyama wasn’t sure he wanted to know what he was thinking.

“What about you, what was it like back home, when it happened?” Kageyama prompted.

“It was scary, at first. Like a movie, except not at all like a movie because it was real. No one could believe it and it all happened so fast. We had to get out right away and fight and we had no idea how to do that. There were some people that organized us and started the Protection Service. I had to train on the go and at first I thought there was no way I could do it. But then, one night, a rotter, uh sorry, a--”

Kageyama cut him off. “You can call them whatever.”

“A whatever then.” Hinata gave Kageyama a twisted smile in apology. “Anyway a whatever broke into the house and Natsu was fighting it off when I came home and yeah, I figured out I could do it then. I had to. Natsu joined soon after me even though Mom and I tried to tell her she was too young. The truth was we needed every person we could get. It was still hard though. Sometimes I recognized the people. Sometimes they were really young. But before the drug was out there to change anything, I sort of didn’t have a choice, you know?”

“Yeah, no, you didn’t. I understand.” Kageyama said softly.

The timer on the washing machine buzzed bringing them both back to the present. They worked silently together, moving over their laundry to the dryers, tidying up behind themselves, and it was nice. It was good. It felt like a little piece of home and that meant the world to Kageyama. By the end they parted on what felt like really good terms and for the first time in a very long time, Kageyama felt like he had something good to look forward to.

******

Kageyama was roused from sleep by a knock on his door. He wasn’t sure he really wanted to see who was out there considering he wasn’t in his camouflage yet for the day. Luckily, when he peered out of the peep hole, there was no one there. He cracked the door a tiny bit to see if he could see someone as they were leaving, but instead what he found was a tiny package sitting on his doorstep. With one more quick glance to make sure there wasn’t anyone around to see him, Kageyama opened the door a little further and quickly snatched the box before shutting and locking the door once more.

The box itself was unremarkable. Small, lightweight, and tied with a blue ribbon. He shook it gently and could hear something rattle around inside. There was no indication of who might have sent it, but Kageyama was curious so he pulled the ribbon off and carefully pried the lid off. Inside there was a tiny bottle filled with a luminescent blue liquid. Under the bottle was a card. It was simply printed with a date and time and instructions not to be late. 

Kageyama had never seen the stuff, but he knew in the pit of his stomach what it was. This was the Blue Oblivion the website had discussed. How had they known where to find him? Why did they think he would take it? With shaking hands, Kageyama put the bottle and card down on the desk. He had no intention of using it. Ever.

Since he was already up, Kageyama decided to get dressed and ready for Sugawara. He’d been coming over every day at nine in the morning for Kageyama’s shot, and that gave Kageyama about an hour. 

He was used to the makeup now, on most levels. At least he was proficient enough to get it done pretty quickly. It was still uncomfortable and the contacts still bothered him, but he was fast which meant he was left sitting in front of his laptop waiting for Sugawara a full forty five minutes early. 

Kageyama didn’t have anything in the way of email from anyone, though he always checked, maybe out of habit or a sense of normalcy. He wasn’t back on any social media sites because he was supposed to be sort of laying low and acclimating slowly back into society. So that left him with pretty much only funny videos and the news and he hated the news.

He was three weird animal videos in when a headline to the right of the screen caught his eye. Particularly the words, Blue Oblivion. He knew he shouldn’t give in, knew he probably wouldn’t like what he was going to see, but Kageyama gave in anyway and clicked the link.

It was the story of an attack that took place on a city bus. Two people took the Blue Oblivion and then attacked the other passengers injuring five and killing two. It made him feel sick. What could motivate someone to do that? He’d hated when he’d killed those people in his untreated state and couldn’t imagine going back to it. 

Kageyama was still staring at the story when Sugawara dropped by to dose him. It was over quickly and Sugawara reminded him to come to the PDS Support Group the next night. After he was gone, Kageyama needed out of the apartment. He didn’t really have a destination in mind, he just felt like he needed some fresh air. Unfortunately the elevator had something else in mind. It was taking forever and Kageyama already felt jittery enough as it was. He needed a good jog maybe. 

The stairs were at the other end of the hall, and since the elevator wasn’t going to do its job today, Kageyama whipped around and headed for the stairwell instead. He was only about a flight down when he heard Hinata’s voice below him. At first he was going to keep walking down, but the urgent tone Hinata was talking in made him stop. He wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but he didn’t feel like he should interrupt. It sounded too important. So he stopped on the stairs and waited.

Hinata’s voice drifted up to him whether he wanted to hear it or not.

“I think I have a lead on the first risen.” Hinata was saying. Kageyama gripped the rail tighter as Hinata went on.

“Maybe they were, I’m not really sure yet. Yes. Uh… well? Um, yes. So… when they rose there wasn’t anyone else around. That they remember. I mean there could have been, but… yeah. Yes. It was five in the morning. I think. They think. There was a clock chiming. Right. The one by the cemetery. I think. I don’t know. No, I’m not sure right now. That’s all I have.”

Kageyama couldn’t think. He saw red. The stairs were red, the walls too. Everything went blurry and Kageyama ran. He ran as fast as he could back up the stairs and out onto his floor before pounding down the hall and back into the safety of his apartment. He put on both lock and then leaned against the door, his mind a whirlwind.

Hinata was talking about him! To whom though? It couldn’t be! They’d had such a good night last night at the laundromat. It didn’t seem right. Even though Kageyama had no idea what any of it meant, it hurt him, deep in the middle of his body. Angry tears threatened to fall, but Kageyama refused to let them. He didn’t know what he’d been hearing, he needed to know more before he completely freaked out. Still, whatever it meant, Hinata had definitely been talking to someone about him and in his gut he knew that couldn’t mean anything good.

******

Hinata was having a bad day. That was putting it mildly, too. First there’d been that awful phone call. Then he’d the worst headache by lunch and no amount of painkillers were taking it away. Hinata just wanted one good thing to happen. Something to make him forget everything from that morning. Once he decided on that, he knew he was going to see if Kageyama was free.

Kageyama wasn’t the way Hinata expected him to be. Which all things considered probably wasn’t very fair. He hadn’t known the person Kageyama turned out to be and he hadn’t known anything about his life since the rising. But it was too easy to assume that all of the PDSers would be rotter apologists or something. That maybe they didn’t care what had happened to everyone else. Kageyama wasn’t like that though. He’d even gone so far as telling Hinata that he understood. He understood that Hinata had to fight to protect his family. Hinata wasn’t fully convinced they were going to be best friends now, that seemed pretty unlikely still, but he had something maybe a little closer to hope. 

Sugawara certainly wanted Hinata to try. He’d gone on and on about Kageyama’s point of view and how hard it must be for him. He couldn’t go home, he had no one there except Sugawara. He’d even suggested that it would be good for both of them if they could find a way back to being friends. And maybe Suga was right. He couldn’t possibly know the pressure Hinata was facing from the Human Volunteer Force, but he had to know Hinata didn’t have anyone there either.

It was almost evening by the time Hinata felt like his headache had eased off enough that he could go see what Kageyama was up to. He knocked on the door, softly at first, and then louder when there was no answer. Finally Kageyama answered, and frankly he didn’t look so good.

“Yes?” Kageyama asked, the word was clipped and curt.

“Can I come in?” Hinata asked.

This seemed to take Kageyama by surprise, but eventually he opened the door enough to let Hinata in. Hinata took a look around Kageyama’s apartment. It was laid out the same as Hinata’s, but it was sparse. Practically empty. There wasn’t anything on the wall and the window just had a sheet tacked over it. It made Hinata feel depressed all of the sudden. Kageyama didn’t have anything personal here.

“I was wondering if you were busy tonight?” He asked.

Kageyama shut the door and whirled on him. “Why?” he asked. It came out as being very suspicious which Hinata couldn’t understand. Weren’t they okay?

“Because I wanted to ask if you had dinner plans. There’s this little place I know that’s really laid back and they made the best curry--”

“I don’t eat.” Kageyama’s face was stony.

“Oh.” Hinata hadn’t known that and now he felt really dumb.

“Yeah, because I’m dead. The dead don’t eat. I can’t digest anything.” Kageyama raised his voice which made Hinata feel suddenly on edge.

“Okay, well, I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.” Hinata maybe was a little too defensive because he could tell Kageyama wasn’t impressed with his apology.

“Look, we don’t have to eat. We could do something else. I thought we were okay.”

“You thought we were okay, huh?” Kageyama crossed his arms, glaring.

“Well, last night--” Hinata tried. Kageyama cut him off.

“That was before.” Kageyama narrowed his eyes at Hinata and Hinata felt totally out of his element. He’d missed a step somewhere, but he couldn’t figure out where.

“Listen, I don’t know what changed, maybe you could just tell me.” Hinata crossed his arms over himself and hugged tight. This was a lot to take in without any information. Why was Kageyama so angry?

“I can’t believe you can stand there and act like you don’t know. I don’t think you’ve changed at all since high school!” Kageyama sounded furious, but his accusation cut right through Hinata.

“What would you know about it? You were gone!” Hinata threw back.

“Wow. You just proved me right. You’re still sore I switched teams. You took it so personally back then, and you still do now even though that decision had nothing to do with you.” Kageyama shook his head.

“You can’t tell me, after all this time, that you honestly felt like you’d be better off switching teams. Last night you even admitted it wasn’t good for you!” Hinata dragged his hand through his hair, tugging it in anger.

“It might not have been better in the end, but at the time I thought it would be. I made that decision for myself.”

“Yeah, you did, because you’re selfish. Maybe I haven’t changed, Kageyama, but you haven’t either. You proved you were the King of the Court. You say that had nothing to do with me? Then why didn’t ever pick up the phone or answer any of my texts, huh?” 

Kageyama threw his arms out in anger, advancing on Hinata until he was towering over him. “Really? That’s what this is really about isn’t it? You didn’t mind me leaving the team, you just minded me leaving you.”

“So what? I thought we were friends! You don’t just drop your friends!” Hinata was yelling now, but then, so was Kageyama.

He sneered at Hinata and it was an ugly look that made Hinata’s insides twist uncomfortably. “We were friends? Were we though? I seem to remember a lot of fighting there at the end. I seem to remember that you didn’t want anything to do with me. I never answered your calls or texts? Well you never answered my email either!”

“What email, I never got an email. Kageyama, you cut me out of your life. If you ever sent me anything I just never got it. Why didn’t you try again? Why did you have to ignore me, even when our teams played each other?” Hinata could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. This was awful. He didn’t want to think about missing an email from Kageyama or what it might have said.

“Because you were a dumbass. You were a dumbass then and you’re a dumbass now and I didn’t need that in my life!”

Hinata spun around in his fury wanting to look anywhere except at Kageyama. He felt overwhelmed. This was so ridiculous, but it cut right into that soft place in Hinata that he thought he’d forgotten all those years before. Kageyama had broken his heart and at the time Hinata hadn’t even realized it. Now it was like digging into an old bruise. It ached deep inside of him.

He looked at the window, at the floor, at the wall, and then his eyes fell on Kageyama’s little desk. There was nothing else to look at and he needed a second to gather his thoughts. What his eyes settled on was an open box that contained a blue vial. Hinata recognized it immediately.

He strode to the desk and pick it up before twisting back around to face Kageyama. “You can say whatever you want about me. Yes, I was a dumbass. I didn’t know how to be a good friend to you, maybe all of that is true. Maybe I was the selfish one, wanting to keep you on my team even if you thought it wasn’t good for you. But I’m an adult now. None of that matters. I’ll tell you what does matter, this. If I’m a dumbass what does this make you?” He held the vial up, his hand shaking.

Kageyama looked shocked. His eyebrows raised, but that didn’t stop him from coming back at Hinata, even louder than before.

“You don’t know anything about anything! You were a terrible friend then and you’re not my friend now. Get out!” Kageyama screamed.

Hinata threw the vial aside and marched to the door, wrenching it open and letting it hit the inside wall with a bang. He was already halfway out the door when he whirled on Kageyama one last time.

“I can’t believe I trusted you. Sugawara was wrong about you, Kageyama. You’re nothing but a monster!”

******

Kageyama stood in the middle of the room, his chest heaving. He’d never meant Hinata to find the Blue Oblivion. He’d never even thought about using it for god’s sake! He was shaking by the time he made it over to the couch where the bottle lay on the floor. He picked it up with trembling fingers. Kageyama sobbed as his fingers closed around it. He dropped on the couch and the feelings took over. He was crying, great heaving sobs that wracked his whole body.

Why had he said any of that? It wasn’t even true! Most of it wasn’t any way. The fact of the matter was that Kageyama had been in love with Hinata and couldn’t face it, didn’t even know how to make things right between them, let alone face his feelings. Everything between them was always so volatile. It hadn’t seemed like love at the time. It felt too big and ugly and hurtful that Kageyama was sure it would be better for both of them if he left. They could both get back to focusing on the game. It really hadn’t been a selfish decision, but he hadn’t been able to parse all of that out until later. So much later. Then he’d emailed Hinata and told him. Not everything, not that he loved him, but enough. Hinata had never answered. Apparently he’d never even seen it.

Kageyama cried for everything that he’d lost and more he cried for all of the things they’d said to each other. Hinata thought he was a monster. Maybe he was. He couldn’t even tell Hinata what he’d been mad about, he’d just felt so betrayed so he was mean and ugly about it. It hurt. It actually really hurt in the middle of his chest. It burned, like something was trying to bore through him. He clutched at his chest and fell over onto the cushions. He couldn’t think, all he could hear was Hinata telling him he was a monster. It played over and over in his head until he stared down at the bottle still clutched in his hand.

If Hinata didn’t think he had any redeemable qualities, if Hinata could see through him and found him just as dangerous and pointless as he already felt, maybe that was the truth. Maybe the prophet was right. Maybe they could never be redeemed. If that was the case, why fight it? 

If there was nothing to hope for, what was the point? 

Hinata was right. He really was a monster.

******

Hinata slammed his fist against the wall of his apartment, not caring that his neighbours would complain. Maybe his leaders  _ were  _ right. How could anyone be safe if even someone like  _ Kageyama  _ was taking Blue Oblivion?

No. Kageyama wasn’t the same anymore. He could be capable of anything, even hurting someone. He was a different person than he was when Hinata loved him. And you know what? So was Hinata.

Hinata grabbed his phone and called his contact. It was usually against the rules to use your personal phone for calls like this, but he could couldn’t care less at the moment.

It rang for a moment before the other end picked up.

“Hello?”

“This is Hinata Shouyou of the third district, number nine-ten,” Hinata recited. There was silence while the informant checked their records.

“And what are you calling about?” 

“The Last Mission.”

“What do you need to know?” The broker sounded flat.

“What do I do after I’ve found the First Risen?” Hinata asked, voice shaking slightly.

“You kill them,” they said, sounding bored now. Hinata stopped breathing. “Do you want me to report that you’ve found the First Risen?”

“No!” Hinata said quickly.

“Okay then,” The line went dead.

Hinata slumped against the wall, eyes cast downward. How could he? Even after all that happened, how could bring himself to hurt Kageyama? Was he even capable of killing again? Now that he’d seen the reanimated in the streets, walking with their families, laughing, smiling?

Sugawara’s face surged in his memory. There were people who loved them. Was he one of them?

******

A week later, Kageyama pulled out his laptop and navigated to the news website he frequented. The main headline wasn’t good.

“”P.D.S.” extremists kill twelve in Blue Oblivion attack in last night’s early hours.”

He skimmed the article. Five PDS sufferers took a bottle of Blue Oblivion each and killed and injured multiple people on the train before they got away. The attacks were getting worse and worse, and Kageyama was scheduled to go with them. They expected him to show up at the airport in only a few days. 

Kageyama shivered. He stood from where he was sitting in bed and grabbed the bottle of Blue Oblivion from it’s shelf, walking towards the kitchen. He unscrewed to bottle and dumped the contents down the sink. This wasn’t the answer.

He could never hurt anyone like that.

******

Hinata has been moving through the days in a daze. He’s not sure how he feels about anything. He couldn’t talk to Sugawara about it, and he was avoiding Kageyama at all costs. It left him feeling empty and burnt out in the worst way. Just that morning the rotters had made a calculated attack on a train and killed so many people. If that was where Kageyama was heading, then didn’t Hinata have to stop him? 

On the other hand, he still didn’t think he could. At least not the way he was expected to. Even if it meant they never had to go through another rising again. It was still Kageyama, wasn’t it? Or was it? 

His thoughts circled back on themselves no matter how hard he tried to figure it out.

He wasn’t expecting to find the package in his mail. It had no return address, but Hinata felt like he knew who it was from before he got back to his apartment and opened it. He sat at his kitchen table and unwrapped the brown paper carefully. There was a little note inside that read,  _ just in case _ . He unwrapped the last layer and found a dagger.

The dagger had a black hilt and a long curved end. It was sharp, Hinata could tell and it almost pricked his finger as he tested it. It felt too heavy in his hand, too real and deadly. 

It had started when he moved to Tokyo. He was ready to take up arms and protect his sector, just as he’d been instructed. Sugawara was living in the same building, and Hinata felt good about it. It felt right to move where he was needed and he could trust that Natsu was keeping their mom safe back home. He’d only been there two weeks when they first approached him.

He took the meeting, not quite knowing what to expect. He remembered how logical and simple it had all sounded back then. They were recruiting a small group inside the Human Volunteer Force to keep a look out for the First Risen. The First Risen was the key, they’d explained. If they could figure out who it was, and kill them, really make sure they were dewad, that was emphasized a lot, then they could prevent a second rising from every happening. That was a real threat, they explained. Hinata hadn’t known anything about the prophet or his followers until that day when they’d told him there was a group out there that wanted another rising. More than that, they believed they were better than humans, and that people should cower before them, feed them, be enslaved to them. 

There was a lot of information thrown at him, but they had proof. They had a sample of the BLue Oblivion and secret recordings from inside the prophet’s camp. He’d only thought about it for a day before contacting them and agreeing to help. No matter what, they needed to prevent another rising, and they needed to stop the prophet. Too many innocent people had died already.

Now, though, now it all felt like it was coming to a head, and faced with the choice, Hinata couldn’t pick out what was right any more. Before it had seemed so simple. It was impersonal. Now, he was fairly certain the First Risen was Kageyama. If he killed Kageyama then they’d all be safe. What a horrible thought. If he let Kageyama live, then more people would die. It was terrible no matter what. This wasn’t any kind of choice at all. Not to mention what it said about his own character that this was so hard for him. Shouldn’t he care about the greater good. Didn’t he have proof that Kageyama was a real threat whether he was the first risen or not?

******

Kageyama didn’t know why he thought this was the only way to find some meaning in it all. Surely a hole in the ground wouldn’t help. But there he was, walking to his grave just to see the hole he’d crawled out of.

The graveyard was empty, as empty as it had been the morning he’d risen. He walked slowly between the graves, picking out the path as easily as if he’d been there every day, though it was closer to two years. 

The cemetery sat in the middle of the city, the high rises standing out starkly around him, like sentries watching his progress. He felt watched, he felt judged, though he was sure that was because he felt so wrong. He was so off. Ever since his fight with Hinata he’d been listless and in pain. He wasn’t supposed to feel pain like that, he was dead, but it sat there on his chest like a weight. His chest hurt worse and worse with each step as he neared his grave.

There it was. It was surrounded by police tape, though it was coming apart in places. The ground was opened like a wound, torn apart by Kageyama’s clawing, panicked hands. He dropped to his knees in the dirt and gave in to the tears, once more. 

Since the fight, he’d cried more than maybe he had in his whole life. He thought it was an awful lot of tears for a monster, but still he couldn’t help it. He felt so lost and pointless. Like a waste, like there was nothing left for him in this world but to survive. Surviving wasn’t the same as living, he knew. Surviving was all he’d done since he’d climbed out of this grave.

He buried his hands in the dirt, remembering the horror of digging his way out. Was this all he had now? An empty grave and dead body that kept on going even when he should be laid to rest. Kageyama knew there had to be something else, he knew it.

What he didn’t know about, however, was Hinata trailing close behind, a dagger hidden in his jacket.

******

He’d brought in along in a sense of shock, as if they would know he wasn’t going to use it. Or at least, he couldn’t use it, could he?

No, it wasn’t time for another crisis, where was Kageyama headed? He turned a corner and when Hinata looked around it he meet with the sight of a cemetery. What was he doing here?

Hinata took a moment to consider. Surely he wasn’t visiting family in an underground cemetery. They didn’t bury anyone in the city anymore. Then it clicked. Kageyama was going to  _ his  _ grave. But why?

He contemplated for a while before trugging past the gates and seeing all the police tape around the graves. They’d all either been dug up or crawled out of.

It wasn’t hard to find Kageyama. He noticed him almost immediately, crouched by a headstone, sobbing. Hinata felt a part of him break at the sight. He couldn’t kill him.

Hinata ripped the dagger from his jacket and threw it in one of the holes before rushing to Kageyama and wrapping his arms around him.

Kageyama tensed, not expecting the sudden contact. He turned to see who it was and was shocked by who he saw.

Hinata held tighter as Kageyama sobbed harder.

“I saw about the attack and I just-, I poured it all down the sink, all of it. It’s so bad, so bad,” Kageyama choked out. Hinata lost it and buried his face in Kageyama’s neck, his own tears beginning to flow.

“They were gonna make me hurt you, can you believe it? I could  _ never _ .”

They didn’t speak for a while after that, just cried against one another in a way that felt so safe.

Kageyama’s chest started to ache again, harder this time. His head spun and it felt real. How could he be feeling anything? How could this be happening?

“Hinata, I think something’s wrong with me,” he sobbed. Hinata looked him in the eye.

“Do we need to go to the hospital?” He asked, concerned.

“No,” Kageyama whispered. He didn’t want this to end.

“Let’s go back to my place then,” Hinata suggested. Kageyama took his hand and they could both swear that it was like nothing had changed.

******

Back in Hinata’s apartment, he sits Kageyama down on the couch and wraps a blanket around his shaking shoulders. Kageyama glances around, but his gaze falls into his lap like he doesn’t know where he should be looking. Hinata sits next to him, but not too close, he wants Kageyama to feel safe, but still have space to breathe if he needs it.

“Can we talk? Do you feel well enough for that?” Hinata asked softly.

Kageyama nodded, his fingers tangling in the edges of the blanket, pulling it tighter around himself. Hinata would think he was cold if he didn’t know any better.

“I’m sorry about the other day. I wasn’t really being honest. And I know you’re not a monster. You’re Kageyama. I had no right to jump to conclusions about that Blue Oblivion.” Hinata had so much he needed to say, he didn’t know where to start. He just hoped Kageyama would keep trusting him long enough to get it all out.

“I wasn’t very honest either. And I could have told you why I was mad.” Kageyama admitted. His voice was rough from all of the crying he’d done. It made Hinata want to reach out to him again, but he held back.

“We both jumped to conclusions, but I don’t blame you.” Hinata said. He settled himself more into the corner of the couch so he could sort of face Kageyama as they spoke. “You weren’t exactly wrong.”

“Neither were you. Kageyama whispered.

“But I’m also really sorry for throwing the past at you like that. I think I have to come clean about it now, if that’s okay?”

“Yeah, I think I need to too.” Kageyama told him. He’d turned too so they were now facing each other.

“So, that email I sent pretty much said it all. And when you didn’t answer, you’re right, I just gave up. I should have tried again or I should have cornered you at a game and made you listen, because it was important stuff. I hate that I didn’t try harder.” Hinata said.

“Me too. I could have taken your call or texted you back. I accused you of making it personal, but I’m the one that made it that way. And it was, you know? I mean it wasn’t your fault I left, but I wasn’t honest about my reasons.” Kageyama pursed his lips. He lifted a hand and rubbed at his temple.

“What was the reason? Why’d you want to leave Karasuno?” Hinata asked. He wasn’t entirely sure he was ready to hear the answer, but he knew it was important. They needed to hash it out if they were ever going to move forward and be friends.

“I didn’t realize it at first. I really did think, after that last game, that moving would be the smart choice. For me. Maybe even for our team too. If I couldn’t be the kind of setter I needed to be for all of you, then I needed to go where I could get my head on straight. I thought they would challenge me and I’d get better.” Kageyama paused, looking away.

Hinata could see that admitting all of this was hard and he was so thankful Kageyama was willing to say it.

“They did challenge me, but I knew almost right away that I’d made a horrible decision. I didn’t know how to take it back, though, and my game suffered horribly. I was just barely scraping by after that. It took a lot of time and humiliation to realize the real motivation had been something different all along.”

Hinata didn’t interrupt, but gave him time to begin talking again. His insides were starting to twist with worry as he considered all the possible reasons Kageyama might have come up with.

“I think, the biggest factor,” Kageyama stopped again, this time meeting Hinata’s gaze, “The real reason was that I didn’t know how to handle my feelings for you.” His lip trembled as he said it and this time Hinata didn’t stop himself, but reached out and laid his hand on Kageyama’s knee, encouraging him to keep going.

“We were always fighting. You were under my skin and I thought it was because we were rivals, but you see I also thought you were brilliant. The way you trusted me when you had no reason to. The way you adapted and fought so hard to improve. I admired you so much and when I let you down I didn’t know how to handle it. When I got chosen for that camp I felt terrible that they hadn’t picked you too, but instead of just saying so I made fun of you for it. I was awful. Camp was awful. I missed you and I hated that. I didn’t understand why I was so conflicted. I didn’t know I was in love with you and had been maybe all along. I didn’t know that until it was too late.”

“Kageyama…” Hinata tried to find words, any words, but he only felt overwhelmed under the weight of Kageyama’s confession.

“It’s okay. I mean, it is now. I know you never got the email where I explained all of that. I don’t blame you for anything, it was all just me, just in my head. I screwed everything up and then I never gave you the chance to forgive me for making such a mess of things. I’m sorry I was such a terrible person and a terrible friend to you.”

“We were so young. You know that don’t you? My mom told me that a lot, right after it happened. She kept saying I was too young to know how to handle things and that wasn’t my fault. If I’d been more mature about it maybe I would have insisted on seeing you. On making you listen to me. If I’d been older maybe I would have been brave enough to tell you that I missed you and I wasn’t okay without you. The team suffered too, but all I could think about at the time was myself. I was so selfish. I should have marched up to you at one of the games and told you that I needed you. That I loved you. Instead, I just gave you up. And then you were just gone. Kageyama I had no idea why you’d disappeared so fully. I had no idea about the train, or about, about…” Hinata’s voice trailed off on a little sob. He hadn’t even known Kageyama was dead.

“You loved me? You loved me as your friend?” Kageyama was back to whispering.

“No.” Hinata shook his head. “I was in love with you too, but I didn’t understand that until it was too late. Then I was too scared to try and tell you. You were gone and you wanted to be gone, so I just let you. I let you go.”

“That wasn’t your fault, okay? That was all me. I could have stayed by your side and the two of us could have figured it out in time. Instead I cut out the minute things got rough. That’s on me.” Kageyama was leaning forward, talking urgently.

Hinata’s heart was racing. He couldn’t believe they’d both been such idiots. “We don’t have to leave it like that, now though. Right? We can start over. We can be real friends to each other. I will always have your back, Kageyama. I know I’ve made some insane mistakes, but I promise I’ll do everything I can to keep you safe.”

“I’ll keep you safe too. I promise. I won’t let them punish you for letting me go. I’ll have your back. I’ll make up for all the time we lost.” Kageyama let go of the blanket and reached for Hinata’s hand.

“You don’t have to make up for anything. All that matters is right now.” Hinata said, squeezing Kageyama’s hand. He was leaning in, hoping Kageyama could see the sincerity in his eyes.

Kageyama nodded, leaning closer as well. “All that matters is right now.” He agreed.

Hinata didn’t think about it. He didn’t have time to second guess himself. He just saw the same sincerity in Kageyama’s eyes, the same depth of feeling, and closed the distance between them, pressing his lips to Kageyama’s.

It took a moment. One that just about froze Hinata to the core, but then Kageyama’s cool lips were moving against his, parting on a sigh.

At first it was gentle, like a question between them. Then it was like a flood, everything pouring out before Hinata had time to think. All he did was feel. His heart was beating out of his chest as Kageyama tugged him in close, their arms winding around each other. Hinata held on as tight as he could, never wanting the moment to end. This, this, this was what had been missing so long ago. He knew though, that it was better now because both of them were perfectly clear about how they felt.

When they finally parted the first thing Hinata noticed was that Kageyama’s cheeks were brightly flushed. The red crawled all the way down his neck and up to the tips of his ears. He was panting and began to clutch his chest. His eyes went wide as he stared at Hinata in wonder.

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Hinata asked, worry coloring his tone.

“I think… I think my heart. No I’m sure. My heart just started beating!” Kageyama grabbed Hinata’s hand and brought it to the middle of his chest. “Can you feel it?” He asked.

“I can, Oh my god. It’s beating, it really is!” Hinata’s voice was full of wonder.

“And my headaches gone too.”

“And you’re warming up. I can feel it.” Hinata told him, his hands sweeping down Kageyama’s arms until he tangled their hands together.

“I’m alive.” Kageyama was tearing up again, and this time, Hinata was too.

******

They spent the next hour just basking in each other and the miracle that was Kageyama’s new life. Together they decided the next step to keeping their promises to each other, was getting help with their respective problems. They went to Sugawara.

He teared up and hugged both of them for longer than strictly necessary, though they were both still so happy they didn’t really mind. Sugawara was thrilled about Kageyama and couldn’t wait to get on the phone. He was cured, did he understand he was cured? Did he understand what that meant for everyone else?”

Kageyama assured him that they both understood just how major it really was. Then they sat him down for the rest of it.

“I can’t believe I didn’t know about this sooner, Shouyou. You know you can come to me with anything. That’s why I wanted you in the same building as me. I’m trying to look out for you, but you have to let me.” Sugawara’s happy mood had sobered quite a bit as they’d both explained the groups they were involved with. Even though Kageyama had never agreed, he was a part of that extremist group and he was sure they weren’t planning to leave him alone just because he didn’t show up when he was told.

“That’s why we’re here.” Hinata assured him.

“I know, I do. I’m so glad you decided to come to me with this. We’re going to need a plan to keep you both safe.” Sugawara began plotting right away and both of them were thankful for his help.

The plan, as it turned out, was to go to the police. Kageyama had been skeptical at first, uncertain about what information he really had to offer. He’d come to distrust authority, just a little, in the past couple of years. Hinata was more than ready and he helped convince Kageyama it was their best chance.

Kageyama brought his empty vial of Blue Oblivion, the date and time of the attack, and the card with the website. Hinata brought his contact information, details about where he’d met the group and who else he’d seen there, and what their ultimate plan was.

The police started out being uncertain, but the more they talked, the more the police were willing to listen. They took both of their statements separately, then told them they needed to escort Kageyama back to the center to be examined. He argued it at first, but Sugawara promised to go along with him as his representative.

“You’ve done the right thing, coming here.” One of the detectives assured them as they were gathering up to leave. She was young for a police officer, Kageyama thought, but she clearly knew what she was doing. “This is more insight than we’ve ever had, so you can rest assured we’ll take them down soon.”

“Thank you,” he told her. He didn’t want to leave Hinata just then, but he knew they were right. He needed confirmation from his doctor and they needed to know what had started his heart up again.

Hinata had teased that it was his expert kissing skills, but they both knew what it really was. Love and hope.

******

The sunlight streamed through the leaves over them, casting them in golden green light. It was warm out and Kageyama was enjoying the feeling of the grass between his toes. They were on a picnic blanket, trading bites of this or that while Hinata read on his tablet and Kageyama watched the families around them. It was quiet and calm and everything Kageyama loved about his new life with Hinata.

They’d moved in together three months ago, after the both extremist groups had been taken apart. PDS sufferers continued to get their lives back, though for some it was harder than others. Kageyama counted himself among the lucky. He’d had someone to help jump start his heart. Some people came out into the world and were all alone. They had to find a way to hope and love for themselves.

“What are you thinking about so hard up there?” Hinata asked from his position laying in Kageyama’s lap.

Kageyama looked down at him with a smile. He’d discarded his tablet and was grinning up at Kageyama. “I was just thinking how lucky I was to have you. You saved me.” Kageyama admitted.

“I helped.” Hinata corrected. They’d had this conversation before and they still disagreed on the details.

“You helped a lot.” Kageyama swept his hand through Hinata’s hair, rubbing his scalp gently until Hinata’s eyes were half closed.

“Okay, I helped a lot.” Hinata amended.

They sat like that quietly for a few minutes, Kageyama still running his hand idly through Hinata’s hair before he spoke again, very softly. “I love you.” He said.

“I love you too.” Hinata sighed, drowsy and content.

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! We're considering a series of one shots set in this universe detailing the lives of the other pairings and what happened to everyone. Let us know what you think!


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